This article is for general information only and does not replace medical advice. If in doubt, contact your paediatrician or midwife.
Terrible Twos / Tantrums in Toddlers
The terrible twos are NOT a phase of defiance, but an important developmental phase of autonomy. Your child is discovering their own will and boundaries — and is overwhelmed by emotions they cannot yet regulate. Tantrums express overwhelm, not malice. Your child needs co-regulation, not punishment.
Possible Causes
- 1Normal brain development: The prefrontal cortex (responsible for impulse control) only matures by age 5-6
- 2Discovery of own will: 'I WANT!' is a sign of healthy development
- 3Frustration from limited language ability — child cannot express their needs
- 4Overtiredness, hunger, or overstimulation as common tantrum triggers
- 5Transition situations (leaving playground, getting dressed) are particularly difficult
What You Can Do
- Co-regulation: Stay calm, name feelings ('You're angry because...'), offer closeness
- Do NOT ignore, do NOT punish, do NOT shame — the child CANNOT help it
- Offer choices: 'Red or blue jacket?' instead of 'Put your jacket on!'
- Pre-warn transitions: '5 more minutes, then we leave' (use a timer)
- After the tantrum: cuddle, comfort, reconnect — only THEN talk about the situation
When to See a Doctor
- Child hurts themselves during tantrums (banging head against wall, biting)
- Tantrums regularly last longer than 30 minutes
- Child shows NO positive emotions throughout the day
- Child cannot be calmed down even at age 4+
Age-Specific Notes
The autonomy phase usually starts at 18 months, peaks between 2 and 3 years, and subsides around the 4th birthday. BUT: It is NOT a phase to 'survive', but a fundamental developmental task. Your child is learning: I am an independent being with my own will. This realisation is overwhelming — hence the big emotions. Children who experience co-regulation during this phase develop BETTER emotion regulation.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Should I ignore tantrums?
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This article is for general information only. It does not replace individual medical advice. If you have concerns, contact your paediatrician, midwife, or call emergency services.